The proverbial moment of decision on
which the real purpose of the whole story hinges on is here in this chapter of
the story. All I have learned prior are turning out to be more than was
summarized in those books. Looking back now, I think I would have rubbed minds
directly with the authors to have a firsthand knowledge of what they went
through, how they held on (if they did) who/what changed their minds and
convinced them to stay the course, plus, when did it all change and when did
they notice it?
I know I have written in earlier times
that I have reached the lowest ebb, but the definition keeps getting redefined
for me and the record keeps being broken by none other than yours truly.
For years, I have pride myself in my
ability to choose to do something and stick with it, unwavering. Of late, it
seems every decision I have ever made is being revisited and my determination
does not seem to be able to help, it may be nothing, but no, it is definitely
everything. If my determination has shown me one thing, it is that it is
completely useless in the face of invisible/intangible matters.
I can determine not to eat, and that can
work, until my body can no longer do without. However, for more intangible
things like thoughts and physiological responses seem intense and overwhelming
for all of 150 – 300 seconds after which a ton of head-bowing and raw feelings
have their field day. It is obvious who is in charge, the rudder has gone
completely out of control and no matter how skilled or emotionally intelligent
you get, it will take something/someone beyond you to help you take back the
reigns of power and steer your life back on track.
You are very special; hence the
problems/oppositions you will face are of equal magnitude. All you have to do
is recognize you need help, and then ask for it. Also, you need to stop digging
your own grave. Continuing to feed your vices, you increase the recovery time.
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